Anyone heard from Noobs???

[ladybug1802]

She's not been on here for ages. Hope all with Murphy is ok.

[jakesmom]

Hi Ladybug

Noobs posted this on May 9th

Thank you for the encouragement and the advice. I am going to be off the board for a bit while we figure things out. But I will be back for an update at some point.
Noobs

[ladybug1802]

Hi Jakesmom....yeah I read that at the time but just wondered what was going on now. Hope all is good with them!

[wvvdiup1]

I've asked Fundog has she heard from Noobs. However, I haven't heard from Fundog since two or three days ago. (Fundog and her family has moved and she hasn't had her internet connection reinstalled yet, but hopefully, will be hearing from both of them soon!)

[jacksdad]

we exchanged a couple PMs a few weeks back. she lurks a bit or was. still just trying to figure things out between the baby and murphy and such. didn't go into details, and I didn't press as I can completely understand reaching a point your done talking about it.

[Fundog]

I have not heard from Noobs since the day before I moved, but I also do not have the authority to share anything that was updated or implied to me-- not that I'm entirely in the know. All I can say is this: Noobs needs all the prayers and good vibes we can send her way. I'm very concerned about her.

[Nettle]

We don't need to know private stuff to send prayers and goodvibes. If you hear from Noobs again please tell her we're doing our best. We've never met, we'll never meet but she is very much a dear friend to us here.

[emmabeth]

Echo that entirely - she has our best wishes, whatever is happening.

[Sarah83]

Good thoughts to Noobs and family whatever's going on. If she wants to share on here I'm sure she'll do so but we don't need to know what's going on to offer prayers, good thoughts and all that.

[Suzette]

Prayers and good thoughts going out to Noobs. I'm fairly new here, but I have read extensively both before and after joining, so I know of her knowledgable contribution to this forum. I hope her situation resolves quickly and we see her back here soon.

[Sarah83]

Good thoughts to Noobs and family whatever's going on. If she wants to share on here I'm sure she'll do so but we don't need to know what's going on to offer prayers, good thoughts and all that.

[Noobs]

Hi and thanks for all your thoughts and concern.

I just wanted to let you know that Murphy no longer lives with us. It was just too much to ask him to work through his fears in our small apartment with very few places to "get away" and feel safe. I always thought we had a big apartment by New York standards, 2 1/2 bedrooms, large living room and kitchen. But when you have a dog and a baby and three adults (including my mom, who's been staying with us to help with the baby), what can you do to make a fearful dog feel safe? I don't want to discuss the details but I do want to let everyone know that we decided to deal with this privately and didn't involve any shelters.

I really appreciate everyone from here who reached out, and I also appreciate everyone who didn't reach out, but rather gave us space and were thinking about us. You might think we didn't give this enough time, and maybe we didn't. There are some here who've known me for a couple of years now and I hope that you all (including those who don't know me that much) please reserve your judgments; there's nothing you can say that I haven't thought already. You weren't here, you don't know how this broke me.

It has been difficult to talk about this and please don't be offended if I don't want to talk about it anymore after this post. The process, the decision, the arguments that L and I got into, it was just a really terrible period (and still is). Whenever anyone asks me now what happened to Murphy I just say "He doesn't live with us anymore," because talking about it further than that feels too awful. I never even mentioned it on Face book because there are just some things that you don't put on Face book, like sending a member of your family away. I have had to resign myself to the fact that people are going to draw conclusions as a result of that, but I really can't concern myself with that.

I just knew that even though we probably could have worked at this for many more months to try and fix it, it just wasn't fair to put Murphy through all that stress. We as humans can handle stress and know that the ends justify the means, but you can't make a dog understand that "it'll get better soon...maybe...maybe sometime down the line." I didn't believe that dogs could get depressed, but all Murphy did all day was lie in our bed or the couch - depending on where the baby was, with a 6-foot baby gate in the doorway between him and the baby. His hair fell out by the handful when I brushed him. The only time he looked happy was when I would give him a frozen raw chicken leg for his meals (the meals I wasn't feeding out of Kongs). Otherwise even on our walks he would walk slowly with his head lowered no matter how much I tried to smile and talk to him and walk at the fast pace that he's used to. On top of that he became more reactive on our walks again and not just inside with guests. I put him on Serene-Um on Mattie's advice and I wanted it so badly to make him calmer, but instead after a few days on it he started waking up in the middle of the night barking like he did for a few weeks after he got back from that month at doggie camp last year.

The day he left, I took him on a super long walk to the park, put him on the long line and let him run, he ran laps around me, play bowed, stopped when I raised my hand for the stop signal, and generally went nuts like he does when we're at the park. We talked on the porch when we got home, I told him he's the best dog in the world and I would never love another dog as much as I love him.

Right now I am letting myself grieve for Murphy. We weren't the right home for him anymore, and I had to put my son's safety first. I have to let him go completely otherwise I'll never get over his not being here. We had friends who lost their dog a few months ago - her ex, with whom she had an agreement to share custody of their dog, moved away and he took the dog with him. She had resolved to grieve her dog in the same way we have. So it's been a difficult time for more than just us. Right now we are concentrating on our son and enjoying all of his developmental milestones, all the smiling, the cooing, his chubby arms and legs, and his beautiful soul. I have to make sure I am here for him and make him my priority.

I had to take a break from this forum for a while. I spent some time lurking but not replying to things; I think given the circumstances I felt I had lost the privilege of telling people how to fix their dogs when I had given up on mine. Then after a while it became too painful to read about other people's dogs, most of whom had "normal" problems having nothing to do with fear-based aggression...you know, things that people thought were annoying but weren't putting anyone in danger. What I would have given for Murphy to have "normal" problems! So no more reading forums, no more following "dog people" on Twitter or Face book, no more reading dog blogs, no more watching dog shows, at least not for a while.

I cry a little bit (okay, a lot) for Murphy every day. Every day I feel guilty, I feel like a failure, I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't "fix" him. I will always ALWAYS question whether it was worth it in the end because I keep remembering all of the good things: that sweet, wonderful ball of fur climbing up the couch to sit right on my lap on cold winter nights (nothing in the world like a 50-lb lapdog!), "sneaking" into my bed and crawling under my sheets and into my arms to keep warm, his goofy smiley face and waggy tail whenever we did our clicker training sessions, and countless other beautiful moments that I'll always keep but will never have again. I know that we did what we had to do for Murphy, even though it has hurt me more than anything else I've ever had to do.

To add to all of this, last week our friends whom I referred to above adopted a 10-week-old puppy. They wanted a dog who would grow to be 20 lbs tops and didn't require a ridiculous amount of exercise since they're in an apartment. One of them is working from home currently, so that's good. But I took one look at this beautiful creature and saw a mix of Beagle and JRT. They took her to the vet who told them she was also part Pointer. So they're in for some work for sure. They asked me for help but I can see that there's a lot of info they need and I don't want to overwhelm them or wear out my welcome. They free-feed the pup, they are paper training her, she hasn't been outside yet except carried in a bag and has only met one other dog. They've been advised to give her Science Diet and not to take her out until after her last shots at 16 weeks (!!). I have tried to tell them to praise her when she sits accidentally ("But we didn't ask her to"), and they're not allowing her in their bedroom, even when they sleep, and she howls the walls down when left alone.

All of this going on right now is causing so many mixed feelings for me. I am happy to help them train their pup but it makes me so sad at the same time. On the one hand, I am missing Murphy like crazy, and on the other hand because I've learned so many good things on this forum I am feeling like I have to be an advocate for this dog so she's not misunderstood or accidentally mistreated. I realize this last thing is irrational, but to hear any number of people say what kind of goals they want to accomplish is so distressing for me. ("We don't need to teach her any tricks, we just need to teach her not to chew everything and not to bark.") I know I'm being ridiculous because she is not my dog and I am not responsible for her. But not having an "outlet" for this knowledge is making me a little crazy. I have given my friends information that I learned here but half of it is going in one ear and out the other because no matter how much info I give, it's always too much and too overwhelming. And unless they ask for my advice and guidance daily, nothing I contribute will be effective.

Anyway, all told it took them about four months to bring a new dog into their home. It will take me years, not only because we want to wait until River is old enough to learn impulse control, respect, and boundaries, but also because it will take me a very long time to be able to let another dog into my heart.

It has taken me days to decide whether or not to post this. But I guess it's time. So thanks again, everyone, for all your concern and your prayers and your support. We may be able to bring another dog into our home one day, but until then I really might have to take a break from the “dog world.” It’s far too painful for me to just be a spectator.

[Suzette]

Far from judging you, I admire you for doing what needed to be done, for your dog, your son and your relationship even though it was incredibly difficult for you to do. My heart goes out to you - I can feel your pain in your post. You can hold your head high Noobs. You didn't fail your dog, you did what every good 'mom' does, you put the best interest of your dog above your own needs. I hope each day gets easier for you. (((((HUGS))))

[minkee]

Thank you for the post, Noobs, it clearly wasn't an easy one for you to write. It may be hard to tell yourself, but you did The Right Thing. Murphy obviously loved you very much, but couldn't be happy in the situation in which you are living. You did the bravest, most unselfish thing in letting him go to a home where he could be less stressed, even if it was without you. Step back from all doggy things while it still hurts, but try not to feel bad. Grieve but don't feel guilty. One day you'll get to put all the knowledge you've acquired to good use with a dog that can be happy in a family atmosphere, and Murphy will have a chance to grow and heal in his new home.

I would step away from the family with the new dog for a while too. While you know what potential the pup has, the family obviously just aren't that interested and it's not worth the stress it will bring you. We can train dogs because we find a way to make them WANT to learn - doing that with people isn't such a sure thing!

Best of luck in everything to you, your partner and little River :)

[Sarah83]

Oh Noobs, I'm so sorry You didn't fail Murphy, you gave him a wonderful life while he was with you and now that your home no longer meets his requirements you've let him go to somewhere that does. You could have been selfish and kept him, knowing he was unhappy. There's no guarantees you could have worked through whatever his issues were and as you say, you had to think of your son as well. I certainly won't judge you, I know how hard it is to have to rehome a dog you love and I hope it's a situation I'm never in again.

I'd take a step back from the friends with a puppy if possible. It will drive you NUTS to watch the owners do nothing with her and not train her properly because they're simply not interested.

I hope you come back to read this thread and know that you're not being judged for your decision. I wish you all the best for the future and hope that some day you do let another dog into your heart and your home.